As you might imagine, I was excited to see my friend Sarah doing the same for her Bachelorette finale party last week. Unfortunately I missed the ideal window to post because I was moving. However, I figure it’s relevant enough today given the Bachelor Pad premiere tonight. Without further ado, here’s “Runaway (from Ashley)”:

(Set to Kanye West’s “Runaway”)

And I rarely find, yeah, I rarely find this much wrong
But JP’s been puttin’ up wit’ her laugh just way too long
With her it’s so easy to find what Ben wouldn’t like the most
So I think it’s time for William to have a roast

Let’s have a toast for the midriff,
Let’s have a toast for that forehead,
Let’s have a toast for the short skirts,
Every one of them that she wears
Let’s have a toast to the perfaaaaact
That never stops hurting my brain
Chris Harrison, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can

She find warnings in her emails
Money sent a picture of that d*ck.
I don’t know what it is with females
But Ashley’s not too good with that sh*t.
See, she could have a West or a Mickey
And still be addicted to them Bentleys
And I just blame everything on her
At least you know there’s nothing she’s good at

See, I rarely find and I rarely find
Yeah, I rarely find this much wrong
But we’ve been puttin’ up with her face just way too long
This season’s so easy to find what I don’t like the most
So I think it’s time for William to have a roast

Let’s have a toast for the black mask,
Let’s have a toast for Ry’s hand hearts,
Let’s have a toast for the Ames fans,
Every one of them that I know
Let’s have a toast to Constantine
Who wouldn’t even take that room key
ABC, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can

R-r-ru-ru-ru-run away
Run away from Ashley

Always been such a TV romantic,
I just love the faux sense of intimacy.
And I know this girl’s done damage,
’cause the screech in her voice is killing me,
I guess we’ve got another advantage
’cause we could blame Brad for everything.
And I don’t know how I’m a manage,
If one day Ashley’s back on the screen…
Oh, I haven’t cared in so long
We been puttin’ up with the insecurity just way too long
With her it’s so easy to find what I don’t like the most
So I think it’s time for William to have a roast

Let’s have a toast for that long hair,
Let’s have a toast for frontal rub-downs,
Let’s have a toast for Asian love spots,
Every one of them that I know
Let’s have a toast to the Bach Pad
That I really can’t wait for
Chris Harrison, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can

Quick shout-out to the Real World Hollywood crew for becoming friends even without being polite…and in the process putting on quite a show. (Yes, all 9 of you.) Half shout-out to Jesse (or as I like to call him, Travis from Clueless), who was able to make friends and win DeAnna’s hand in marriage on this season of The Bachelorette. Zero shout-out to Kristy for making friends but then deciding she didn’t like winning Tila’s heart.

That was therapeutic. Please be my friend.

And lastly, may as well remind you all here that the season Finale for A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila is Tuesday night at 10PM. There’s a show that will certainly help make the point of the video above. We all need those writers back working.

This is almost as good as The Village Voice’s breakdown of This is Why I’m Hot: Rap Charts. A sneak peak of what you’ll find (a couple of the more tame lyrics):


Wow. I really can enjoy that all day. But anyway, a few more links for the rock or folk music fans…
-This is not for trendy mustache wearers: Beards Rule
-This new sport may not catch on: Binocular Soccer
-This customer complaint is classic: Jimmy Dean Call
-This is a coldblooded prank: Cardinals Game
-This is for the margarita-loving and advertising-recalling New Yorkers: Dell Dude’s New Gig

Those should hold you over for a while. Peace.

Greg Giraldo killed it.
(Hurry up and watch before Comedy Central snags it back.)

Anyway, I have to say I really enjoyed it. I also have to wonder if media planners could account for the fact that this same dude (and potential target) was going to watch the U.S. Open but in looking for USA channel went through programming lists and saw this and decided to just assume that Roddick would win.

Some random observations:
-Roasting of Flav = Roasting of everyone on Stage. While it is standard proceedure to stick it to everyone in the spotlight, the roasters spent very little time on Flava Flav. I was wondering if it’s because they didn’t know him that well (enought to make jokes or predict his reactions) or didn’t think he deserved to really be roasted.
-Though there is certainly a bit of Roasted by association. Every Brigitte Nielsen zinger was an “oh, snap!” moment where you’d divert your attention and embarrassment to Flav. Problem was, then you were embarrassed for him and a bit grossed out in general and then looked at Carrot Top, who just confused you and so you’d find safe haven in Patton Oswalt but would try and remember his name and get embarrassed and annoyed, so would look to Ice Tea who frightened you a bit,
-Also got me thinking about who is the best type of person to roast? Past roastees include Pam Anderson, Denis Leary, and Jeff Foxworthy. This one was my favorite because of the random assembly of comics, the inability to identify with Flav in any way, and also how he became an empathetic character but you never felt so sorry for him that the jokes crossed the line (the way you did with Denis Leary who, while he’s a comedian so should be more able to take it, has real problems).
-That made me think about how “It’s funny because it’s true” is a weird statement. So is it’s sad because it’s true.
-Regardless of what you think of him, you cannot deny that Flav has a great sense of humor. Or at the very least likes to laugh.
-And finally, execution matters as much as or more than strategy. While many of the Comedian-roasters chose the same key areas to make their jokes—Flav’s darkness and nastiness, Lisa L.’s love of black men, Jimmy Kimmel’s luck, Kat Williams’ height, Carrot Top’s lack of talent, Brigitte N.’s amazonian manliness, Snoop’s love of the sticky-icky, and Ice Tea’s age, etc.—only some connected. This was based on creativity and timing (not just comic, but when you went in order of comedians). That said, I was impressed how many ways they could insult Brigette’s manliness but the seemed to have difficulties finding new, funny ways to joke about Snoop’s smoking habit. All in all, if you like the clip above, you may want to peep the rest on repeat.

I concluded with the point that though I’d started replacing “Authentic” with “Transparent” (when it came to how a company should behave), it was less of a choice and more of an imperative.

A few weeks ago I was reminded of this fact—that you can’t hide the truth—when I read this story about one of my favorite shows, Man Vs. Wild. Long story short, Bear Grylls, who had become a relative hero to me and my crew by surviving/making his way out of isolated/ treacherous environments/situations (lots of slash-ies like Fabio), was discovered to be staying at hotels, getting help and consultation, etc. Basically, he was not doing what the show claimed he was.

You can get a sense from this video which I stumbled upon this weekend (forgot where).
There’s no denying Bear’s still a badass, but I have not watched an episode since. He lost my trust and even though the show promises to be “completely 100% transparent” from now on (and to go back and edit past episodes based on the truth), I will be turning my attention to (or DVR to record) Survivorman or Iron Chef or some other show like The Hills, which hasn’t lost my trust. Strangely, this happening has not negatively affected my view(ership) of the Discovery Channel.

But either way, remember: In this transparent world, you may only get one shot at honesty.

What is Age of Love anyway?
It has been dubbed “the ultimate social experiment.” One man, ex-tennis star Mark Philippoussis, looks to find one love within a group of 13 women – 7 of whom are in their 40s and 6 of whom are in their 20s. In the end, we will see not if, but how age matters. (Note: one woman is 39, so hopefully he picks her and the whole experiment loses its merit.)

Why did you watch in the first place?
I admit I’m usually quite entertained by reality TV and like keeping up on it for pop culture IQ purposes. NBC is at the top of my consideration set for new programming (though quickly losing ground to ABC after the recent Bachelor and my favorite show on TV, Brothers & Sisters). Plus, I’m a tennis fan.

What did you think of the women?
We’ve only met the older group, so of course I’ll probably watch next week to see the “cat fight” between cougars and kittens — NBC’s words not mine! But the older group did not look their age and some may say didn’t act it. I don’t know if I’d say the latter. They definitely seemed young at heart, and although there was still the “some of the women are hogging Mark” comments, that seems more about competition and overall the women acted classier than typical/younger show contestants.

What did you think of Mark P.?
He does not have a poker face. He was completely stunned (and not in a pleasantly surprised way) by the age of the women and it showed. He’s pretty uninteresting and bland so far. And not in a way that’s kind of fun to make fun of. However, in reading up on some press, I experienced shock to find out he’s actually 134th in the world of tennis. I had no idea he was still playing. I wonder if anyone will start to call him by his nickname, Scud (for his fast serve).

What’s your rating?
1 star of 5.

Why not zero?
Mark’s inability to hide his shock was mildly amusing as are the 48 year old assistant to the Lakers president’s confessionals. I think the interaction between the different aged women will seemed scripted even by reality standards. Regardless, that tension will just make me feel awkward. As said, I’ll most likely watch next week. That’s all.

Sentence: I was genuinely bevistated, so I took my shirt off, ran, and recentered; then sat on a rock in the ‘thinking man’s’ pose.